We are in a miserable state; it’s evident everywhere. We hate it, but we hold on tighter.
. . .
There are times when we actively resent our lives. That job is draining the life out of us; the new project has proved all the ways it can fail; that friendship is only benefiting one party, and our relationship keeps us continuously anxious and exhausted. This wasn’t what we grew up dreaming; this wasn’t what we worked for. We are in a miserable state; it’s evident everywhere. We hate it, but we hold on tighter.
If you had to make a list of reasons why you should quit your job, rethink your business, and let go of your unrequited relationships, you could spend a day doing so. It has taken so much of you for so little. It took your time, energy, and every resource you were endowed with or worked so hard for. In return, you got something to barely survive with. You don’t feel like yourself; you don’t feel like living.
How are we still here?
This isn’t about underpayment or the typical struggles to get along with people. It’s not even the not-so-glamorous first season of starting your own business. Nor does it refer to the challenges you have to overcome in building a healthy relationship. It’s, however, a cycle of hardship we feel unable to avoid. It is not so much about ending up there as it is about staying. We feel stuck.
This is called learned passivity/ helplessness: a feeling of powerlessness and incapacity to flee from a life we can’t stand, even when options are present.
Though we may not get it right away, we come to face the loss we are piling up. Coming to realize a situation has us at great disadvantage or even danger, it’s only natural to run; somehow, we don’t. After a ’reasonable’ number of failed shots at running, we have stopped trying. We decline job offers; we let opportunities slide; we turn a blind eye to alternatives. We are sick of the mess, nor can we let it go.
Irrational rationalizations
In 1967, Martin Seligman and Steven Maier confined and exposed two groups of dogs to a series of electric shocks. An escape button was presented to one group, and for the second group, it was made inescapable. In the second phase of the experiment, while both groups were given escape options, only those who were previously in the escapable group were able to use the option. Most of the other group’s dogs didn’t even try. The dogs acquired learned passivity/ helplessness. The researchers observed that the dogs were not motivated and too numb to attempt to flee danger even when they could.
The researchers figured people were vulnerable to developing similar behavioral patterns. Exposed to highly stressful situations over time, people lose their drive to avoid their misery, even when they can. Their thinking pattern is distorted, constructing a delusion of impotence. Basically, their cognitive ability to make decisions and act towards the change they desire is stripped off.
To the excruciating pain, we double down on numbing. To the subtle inner voice urging us to run, we explain how our hands are tied. To the people who try to make us face the fact, we protest through denial. We complain and retract our words. We strive to convince ourselves that we can only learn to bear in the gutters. Unfortunately, the longer we stay, the truer the impotence delusion appears.
The emotional toll of being exposed to persistently negative and uncontrollable situations throws us into the ditches of despair, self-doubt, and passivity. Our behavior is altered accordingly: we are ensnared by indecisiveness, extreme risk aversion, lack of grit, and an inability to focus and learn. Even if this isn’t diagnosed as a mental disorder yet, its byproducts are depression and anxiety, leading to an unlived life.
A lost cause?
The researcher who expounded on learned helplessness has advanced his study into learned optimism. It pivots on reframing the mind’s interpretation of negative incidents, challenging beliefs, and thought processes. No unfavorable living circumstance is to be taken as too personal, permanent, or pervasive. Struggles should not be entirely attributed to oneself, believed to be a destiny, or overgeneralized as the reality of all aspects of life.
So much of who we are and how we do things is learned, a reminder that we are not inherently made for the situations we find ourselves in. Yes, you had enough failed trials to make you believe so. You are stuck in what you hate, as you are caught in the fallacy that nothing you do really matters. But you can unlearn and relearn by pursuing enough tiny successes to convince yourself otherwise. Believing you can and committing to waking up 30 minutes early every day might be the breakthrough you need to finally start living your dream life.
