This article was a contribution to our magazine by Seble Hailu (Ph.D.)
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British psychologist John Bowlby explains attachment disorders as “bonding disorders between children and their primary caregivers”. We use the colloquial term "daddy or mommy issues" to describe the psychological or emotional challenges that can arise from a dysfunctional relationship with a parent or parent figure. This informal label shows that the individual with daddy or mommy issues is somehow immature and fragile. This may manifest differently for all who claim to have said issues and attachment disorders can be severe, creating disruptions in day-to-day life.
I grew up in a loving family and rarely felt unloved. I was taken care of, and my physical and emotional needs were met. Thus, I never doubted my parental love, nor was I told that I had daddy or mommy issues. This positively affected my sensitivity to others' needs and my empathy learning. Many people may need to have the privileges I was given. But still, empathy can come not only from knowing what we've missed but also from understanding what we've had and realizing how those deprived could suffer from a lack of appropriate attachment.
However, not all my siblings felt the same way towards their parents. Do they have mommy-daddy issues? My therapy experiences also show me that many who have “mommy issues” or “daddy issues” crave love for who they are, acceptance, and unconditional regard for themselves. Thus, their choice in intimate relations may revolve around seeking those who infantilize them and take good care of them as parents are supposed to do for their children. They typically show “mommy-daddy issues” and a hunger for love. Nevertheless, would craving love, care, and acceptance make us immature?
Whether severe attachment disorders or lesser daddy/mommy bonding issues exist, it is a matter of the degree of the problem. Attachment issues arise when the innate drive to connect and form a secure relationship is hampered. How parents and caregivers treat the needs of the child impacts the emotional, relational, and cognitive development of the child, and early childhood relations influence adulthood relationships.
Growing up in abusive and neglecting families would usually result in some distortions in receiving and giving love. In addition, the loss of a parent, deceiving parents, and physically and emotionally unstable parents also result in attachment issues in children.
Those who have “mommy-daddy issues” fight a deep sense of loneliness and loss for their childhood and cannot get enough love from others. Some may substitute the craved love with addictions, and for others, it might manifest as excessive neediness or dating older people. Unfortunately, the voids parents create may be temporarily filled in with these, but genuinely, unless the issues are addressed, sustained solutions are far-fetched.
Secure attachment in relationships develops when children bond with their parents. Many people I know in therapy had unloving childhoods, and I imagine many more suffer from similar disruptions, leading to various insecure attachments, such as disorganized and anxious attachments. Disruptions in bonding with parents or caregivers during childhood jeopardize emotional and relational needs, making adult relationships difficult. Those relational bonding disruptions create mistrust, insatiable desire for approval, constant self-critique, insecurity, low self-esteem, and unsafeness.
Once, I read an article written on daddy issues, ascribing the problem to the lack of understanding that society has regarding personality disorders. Daddy-mommy issues that may be portrayed on TV or TikTok as entertainment may be laughable. However, they are major issues. An adult who grew up with a narcissistic mother or father usually ends up having issues. Although parents cause these issues, the ones that are blamed are the children. The author indicated the misunderstanding of what narcissism is and did not acknowledge domestic and sexual abuse; therefore, “these same people do not understand how much having daddy issues is a form of blame-shifting and is part of the bigger picture, which is the delusional fantasy of patriarchy.”
Indeed, it is human’s need to be loved, cared for, respected, and to look up to someone reliable in times of need, as well as to love, care, and respect others. Everyone deserves to experience these. Shifting the blame to the individuals who need attention as if that was wrong, considering the need was excessive due to the result of abuse or neglect, is wrong by itself.
Parental validation and support are basic psychological necessities for humans to grow. This is true for all ages, genders, and times. Daddy-mommy issues may not have to result in negative outcomes. Some people transform their relationships by giving others what they lack as children. Those with attachment issues may choose to love, care, complement, validate, and see significant others, compensating for what they lack. It is possible to grow out of daddy-mommy issues with conscious efforts to accept what was missed in childhood, learn to validate oneself, and seek meaningful relations with others.
Individuals raised by a neglectful or abusive parent may have daddy or mommy issues. They may show the following reactions: overachieving or underachieving, anger issues, fear of commitment and abandonment, abusive relationships, depression, anxiety, eating, and sexual disorders.
However, blaming them for seeking attention and validation does not solve problems. When individuals notice they have self-sabotaging behaviors, excessive emotional roller coaster, and drama, it is good to notice and seek help to accept themselves, grieve what was missed, learn to connect with the right people, and adjust with themselves and others appropriately.
Nevertheless, if they cannot handle it alone, they need to seek therapy. It means that a person’s relationship with their primary caregiver was damaged, damaging them. The good news is that they do not need to live the rest of their lives damaged or stuck in their past, affecting their relations with others. Instead, they can change the trajectory of their lives.
